cassi st. james relationship coaching

So you're in a relationship, and it's not so much fun anymore. And those little tiffs, well they just happen a bit too often. You may find yourself thinking of your single days and how much fun you had, or calling up your friends more frequently than usual for a night out. Maybe your eye is starting to rove, and other people are now looking more attractive to you! Humm...

Bottom line, togetherness is just not all it's cracked up to be and his/her cute little habits that once attracted you now annoy the heck out of you! What is happening? You just can't put your finger on why, but you are thinking of getting out before he/she asks for their own drawer.

You know there's something better for you, but you just can't figure out what. Open up to the fact that you may be in the first stage of letting go and moving on. Are you afraid to end it because you have been together for so long? It is normal to feel this way! Read on for some inspiration and encouragement that everything will turn out all right!

 The C.A.S.S.I™cycle signifies the 5-milestones to creating change in your life. These milestones are relevant in any life situation where you want to make a dramatic difference. The 5 milestones are: Contemplation, Analysis, Strategy, Selection, and Intuition. These milestones evoke Self-Discovery, Planning, Action and Checking, and models a problem solving approach used in many corporate environments. Once you move through these milestones/points, you are on your way to evoking change and finding your ideal partner.

Milestone 1: Contemplation

We often contemplate and question our existing relationship when it has become unfulfilling or dissatisfying to us. For example, to contemplate our relationship, or to question it, is often the initial signal of the need for change. Change. Just the word itself can cause fear. Change can cause fear at first because it means you will move into the unknown. Sometimes, the initial fear will cause you to stay where you are and resist breaking-up.

Perhaps you are in a less than happy relationship, and stay in it because you are afraid you will not find someone else. You can't really pinpoint what it is that is making you unhappy in your situation, so you linger on and hope it will get better in time. You even second-guess your goals and think you are unrealistic - "shooting too high."  Finally, you bargain with yourself and reason: "well, maybe this is as good as it gets."

You are in the Discovery phase and experiencing the initial pangs of dissatisfaction. You are unaware of what is making you dissatisfied, and you still cannot move beyond your fear of the unknown.

This is the ideal time to work with a coach to gain more clarity about your situation so you can move forward.

Milestone 2: Analysis

You know there is something better for you out there. You may not know exactly what you need to be happy in a relationship. To find out, first, get in touch with who you really are. Identify your key drivers or motivators, values, preferences and core needs.

Second, create a vision and goal for your ideal relationship. The one you could have, if it were based upon common values and goals and needs.

Third, compare your current relationship with the vision of your IDEAL relationship. In corporate, we call this a gap analysis. Once you compare the two situations, you can see where your current relationship is misaligned with your values, needs or goals.

BINGO! You have analyzed the situation and identified the gaps! No wonder you were not happy! 

Now, let’s see that again in action! Maybe you are a strict vegan, and your partner does not share or support your lifestyle. Not sharing a common vegan lifestyle influences all areas of your relationship, not just your eating choices. Because you do not consider the impact of this difference right off, you feel disconnected and tension occurs in the relationship later that eventually lead to a break-up.

At his point of analysis, the door to change has been unlocked, cracked open and you are excited to walk through and find your ideal relationship! But before you venture out on your search, some additional exploration is in order.  It will be helpful to reflect on past relationships and identify what has worked, and not worked for you. This will allow you identify behavior patterns and pinpoint your habits and tendencies so you can learn more about yourself.

Personality assessments are very helpful to stimulate your thought process and help learn more about how you are wired. You can uncover your natural temperament and think about how it has influenced your relationship choices. We know that as people, we all have our strengths as well as our blindspots. Perhaps you are an Idealist and have the need to be a supporter, and are unconsciously attracted to those in need. Maybe you have been through a string of unhealthy relationships and you now recognize how you have been taken for granted.

Empower yourself to apply these insights so you can make changes in your life to be your BEST self and attract the person you deserve.

You are in the Self-Discovery phase, with a clear picture of who you are as a person and what you stand for, and a crisp vision of your ideal relationship. You know what has been holding you back and you want to change. You can now free yourself from the relationship with a renewed sense of excitement! You have a destination! Next, set up a strategy to get what you want!

Working with coach "cassi", you will use powerful & reliable tools for self-understanding and life planning!

"Every new begenning comes from some other beginning's end."

                                                                                                              Senecca

Milestone 3: Strategy (the biggest part)

Your strategy to get what you want will consist of holding to your vision of your ideal relationship and partner, then creating solid criteria that potential dates must meet. You will also want to create questions to ask and clues to look for to see if the person is being truthful.

The criteria you create for your ideal partner will be based upon your values, needs and goals. Your criteria become a "checklist" to help you evaluate potential dates. Using criteria may seem a bit pragmatic, but it is necessary or you will continue to date in a random way. These criteria will serve as a filter or "gatekeeper" for all of the people and things that come your way.

Example: Your "Ideal Relationship" vision might be that you to be married with 2 children, have enough financial reserves to travel freely, be binded in Christ and living a vegan lifestyle all in Southern California. The ideal match for you would be a person who MUST meet the following 6 criteria: marriage minded, wants children, is in good financial standing, shares your faith, is a vegan, and does not want to relocate. If the person happens to be great looking and funny, well, that would be the cherry on your ice cream sundae!

Even attempting to date anyone who did not meet all if your "must have" criteria would not be a good choice for you. In fact, these criteria are so near and dear to you that not a single one is negotiable!

Now, Create a simple list of questions that corresponds with each of these areas. Have your list of questions ready and ask on your date: What are your future goals in a relationship? Do you want children? What are your favorite foods? Ask direct questions that point to your criteria. Also, look for clues to verify that the person is truthful. If your match claims to be a vegan and then talks about the great steak they just had at Ruth’s Chris, he/she is not a true vegan.

Now you have solid criteria your ideal partner must have (and I say MUST) and questions to ask to when evaluating your potential dates. Next, put some thought around the dating venues you will use to meet potential matches. Will you involve your network of friends, use speed dating, online dating, join a special interest club, or work with a matchmaker? Think about where your ideal match will be and what hobbies you could share. Gyms, church events, charity functions, food and wine tasting events, boat shows and golf courses are all great places where single people meet. Be creative and check out Facebook and join a singles club in your area.

You are in the Planning phase; you have figured out what you want, and have a strategy to go out and get it!

With coach "cassi", you will develop a "dating strategy" give you tools to use for evaluating your matches!

Milestone 4: Selection

You now have a strategy consisting of a solid list of criteria, tools for evaluating your potential matches, and a plan on how to go to meet him/her. As you place yourself in venues for meeting others, you use these "selection tools" to uncover information about the other person. Do they meet your criteria or not?  You do this by asking open questions, listening to what is being said and even reading between the lines for what is not being said. Remember, what we talk about most is a clear reflection of what we value. Through the "art of conversation," you can weave your questions in to quickly tell a great deal about a person. Also, observe how the person behaving. Look at body language and general actions the person takes.

When you screen to select your matches, you must eliminate anyone not meeting ALL of your major criteria.  If he/she misses one, they are automatically out, no matter how great looking, successful or charming he/she may be. Again, if a person does not meet all of your  criteria, do not bend, no matter how good looking, successful or charming he or she may be. Reflect on the criteria you have created for your ideal relationship and realize that this is not the right person for you.

Through artful questioning and your observation of behavioral clues, you can quickly determine if that first meeting will turn into a second, or perhaps a third. Just like job interviews, partner selection has several tiers. In fact, the Strategy and Selection steps are similar to what is used in Human Resource recruiting.

You are still in the Action phase; gathering information and filtering potential partners against your criteria.

As your coach, I will work with you to assure you keep true to the criteria you set in to place so you get the relationship you deserve!

Milestone 5: Intuition

Oftentimes, despite all of the data we collect, the observations we make, intuition tells our truth, gives us our answer. Intuition is that insight that comes from the unconscious mind. It is that pulling inside or that "gut feeling." We often call it "that little voice." Have you ever trusted your intuition, in spite of all other information you had in front of you, and found you were right?  How about the occasions when you ignored it, that "red flag" that told you on day one that the job would not work for you, or the relationship was not right? Were you on target? Decide the strength of your intuition and weigh it into your screening process.

You are in the Action phase; you have filtered potential partners against your criteria, now you do a "Gut Check" before making the decision to pursue the relationship further. 

Coach "cassi" will always be available for you as a resource to debrief your dating experiences so you can make the right choices.

Are you at a point where you are ready to empower yourself to find your ideal partner?  Contact me for your complimentary coaching session so you can get the relationship you deserve